Relegation (without the relegation)

It's been a while since last the tales of wily old Wimbledon have been shared with the masses. Oh, and what a crazy while it's been. Many matches - packed full of goals, players, and synthetic blades of grass - have been and gone, and the end result, unfortunately, saw Wimbledon finish bottom of the division. But don't fret yet!

  Due to - well, I have no idea what it's due to, so I'll just say - unforeseen circumstances, the relegation fell through, and Wimbledon remain in the same division they entered so grandly last season. Hazaar!

The Upcoming Season

This season, the main challenge for silverware comes in the form of The Avengers and The Fellowship. For those not graced in popular culture, here are their team photos:

BRING ON THE FOOTBALL!!!

Martin: The Gleghorn Story

Tonight, with the season well under way, Wimbeldon decided to have a pre-season friendly. That was our first - and by no means last - mistake.
  It was a match that last exactly 71 minutes, a match played on synthetic grass with little black balls of something scattered on it, and a match played with a football owned by Philip Mason.
  Other things happened too.

Also, Tini didn't score.
At all.
Not even once.

A League Collapses

Breaking news this afternoon that the Raich Carter Thursday Night 5-a-Side League, founded by Henry VIII after an undercooked dinner of pheasant and swan, is no more.

The news is that numbers for the new season have been falling faster than Amir Khan, and there are no longer enough quality teams to be able to comprise a full league. It never stopped the SPL, but down here, we do things different. We have knives AND forks. We have fruit. And we have dignity. You can keep your freedom.

Returning from my anti-Scot rant, this leaves Wimbledon is hiatus. Administrators are already on the case. The house of Paul Hands has been raided for cash to keep the club afloat, but all that was found were two blonde sex dolls and 52 pictures of himself, topless.

This is surely the tip of the iceberg where this story is concerned, and like the Titanic, events here today are likely to make a splash all through football

Not Even The Bridesmaids...

In a season that saw Wimbledon dominate to begin with, we faded faster than Charlie Sheen's credibility, and finished a measly 3rd. This means that we'll be plying our trade in the Championship next season, as only the champions, One Direction's friends, and the runners up, The Team With The Big Ginger Guy FC, get promoted.

We did all we could do. Our match against The Owls finished 3-0 to Wimbledon, as kick-off was too early for the nocturnal avians and they didn't show up. This left us in 2nd place, and with the top 2 playing each other, there was still hope. Unfortunately, hope wasn't enough, and 3rd place was the best that the Dons could manage.

With the new season due to kick off on Thursday, the Dons have to be strong favourites for promotion, if they can avoid an end of season collapse worse than Daniella Westbrook's nose.

Bring on the new season!

Twoo!!

Breaking News: Return of the Raich... Carter.

When news broke earlier in the week that Wimbledon might be leaving their birthplace of the Raich Carter league for better and not-atrociously-organised heights, I was literally inundated with a message of disgust. But, news have just reached me - via the day it sat in my inbox on my phone - that there will be no league changing for the Dons next season. 

Because unlike Ashley Cole, we are not Choc Ices (although AVB told me he was a Calippo, whatever that means?). Also, just for the record, unlike Ashley Cole we have never been the subject of a Twitter rant or have had our genitalia appear on Google Images. Here's hoping.

The Thursday Night Goals league will have to wait for another year, because next season, we'll continue to ply our trade in the world's most undervalued league, the Eredivisie. I mean, the Raich Carter Thursday Night league. Yeah, that one. 

The Next Rangers Newco?

  Rangers have been making waves in the football world by handling their finances the way Gary Glitter wants to handle children, illegally and with poor morale judgement. And recently, Scotland's second largest team have been relegated to the Third Division, to play against such mighty giants as Elgin and That Field With Shetland Ponies In Untied.

  Now, you might be thinking what exactly this has to do with Wimbledon. You might also be thinking that I could have come up with a better Gary Glitter joke. I accept both thoughts. And I'm about to answer one of them.

  Making it's way around the rumour mill are the Chinese Whispers that Wimbledon might be ejecting themselves from the Raich Carter league. As unbelievable as this may seem, the rumours seem to be true, with Charlie Carr - academy superstar and son of player Chris Carr - handing a drawing to his Mam of his dad playing football, and it was not at the Raich Carter. This picture became viral within seconds of the crayons settling on the floor, and the tongues haven't stopped wagging since.

  What will happen in the future for Wimbledon? Will they be part of the rumoured SPL2? Will they takw the place of Chelsea in the Premier League when Roman Abramovic inevitably becomes bored and changed the football club into a roller disco? Or will they, much more likely, just join the Goals Sunderland Thursday Night League?

  No one knows.

  Or if they do, please tell me. I'd quite like to know.

Transfer Update

With Wimbledon apparently in a free-falling decline, the manager - a secret underground figure known only as 'The Roid' - has stepped in and a new recruit has been brought in.

The yellow Angry Bird, better known by his nickname 'Zlatan Imbrahimovic', is a pacey centre-forward with a devastating burst of speed. His off-the-ball movement is often described as 'direct' or 'straight', while his finishing is erratic. Has a pathological hatred of pigs.

Initial reports have the deal as undisclosed, but inside sources have revealed the deal with worth 69p, with the yellow Angry Bird leaving his previous home in the Apple Store.